Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Have you ever considered suicide?

*Re-blogging the author notes I posted in the first page of Inspector Rishi Detective Webcomics at http://inspectorrishi.in

Page 1 - Inspector Rishi Detective Webcomics

Have you ever considered suicide? I have…. several times in my life. When I was young and used to believe in god, I’d go all Bruce on the Almighty and say ‘I’ll give you one more chance to stop screwing with my life. If you continue making it more and more miserable, I’m just going to end it’. Then I slowly realized that no-one was listening and I am all on my own. When things went really really bad, my brain would fill with suicidal thoughts. Not knowing how to get over them, I used to slit my wrists and self-inflict burns on my arms and legs. The physical pain somehow overthrew the emotional pain. By doing just a little bit of self-mutilation, I was able to control the suicidal urges for a while. I knew it was a temporary thing and truly believed that someday I would definitely take my own life. 

When I was studying in the film institute, a classmate of mine took her life. She was also my teammate and was supposed to do the camerawork for our student short films. She was a talented, smart, enthusiastic girl with a lot of dreams to succeed as a cinematographer. Her death came as a shock to everyone. Her family thought that she was suffering with chronic stomach pains and couldn’t take it anymore. I thought there must have been some other reason. But no one really knew. I saw her bundled up autopsied body when they brought her out of the hospital. The nineteen year old girl looked like a swaddled baby in my eyes and I broke into tears. Amidst all the sadness and grief, one thought engulfed me. 'All that potential, all that talent is now a waste’. After that, life went on and classes continued as usual. I used to stare at the empty seat next to me and her handwritten scribbles of our names on the desk, wondering if anyone else would remember her after a few days. To me, being forgotten seemed sadder than death itself. 

I didn’t want my life to end that way too. I made a promise to myself that I will never succumb to my suicidal thoughts and will try my best to live a memorable life. I had never written a proper story before joining the film institute. So I started writing and focused all my energies into learning filmmaking. I channelized my feelings into the stories I wrote and the characters I created. Surprisingly, the self-mutilating tendencies stopped and I never physically hurt myself after that.  It has been almost sixteen years and I have come a long way since then. Life is still full of sh…. erm… ups and downs, the downs being more than ups lately. It’s not like I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. I still do… honestly. But every time I feel like killing myself, I force myself to create something instead…. like making comics or writing micro stories :) 

Anyway, this scene in Inspector Rishi just brought back some memories and I felt I should share them with you. Lately I’ve been seeing several news on my Facebook and Twitter timelines about TV actors and other media people taking their lives. Life is tough…. yes….. But I sincerely wish they had found something to hold on to. If you ever find yourself at a point of no return and feel the urge to end everything, please please…. don’t succumb to it. Don’t make all the years you have already lived meaningless. Use your life to become someone the world will miss.

Love,
Nandhini.

P.S: Page 2 coming up on 8th June, 2016. 

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